


You Were Him All Along

by TerusSpicyLasange



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale loves Raphael, Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Gabriel (Mentioned) - Freeform, Heaven is Terrible (Good Omens), M/M, Reunion, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22411282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerusSpicyLasange/pseuds/TerusSpicyLasange
Summary: Aziraphale reflects on his first, and lost, love and compares him to Crowley. He decides to confront Crowley on their similarities.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Raphael (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 209





	You Were Him All Along

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this in one sitting oops lmao, hope u enjoy!!

Long ago, before Earth had been created, Aziraphale knew a certain angel. They had met after a particularly sour meeting with Gabriel, in which Aziraphale came out in stained red robes. The angel had sat him down and healed his wounds with a simple hand gesture, insisting that he rest. When Gabriel had come across them, he didn't object or even interfere, he just shot Aziraphale a deathly stare.

They had kept in touch, Aziraphale and the healing angel. He soon found out that he was gifted the name Raphael. He was a respected angel, a healer and a builder. Some of the most beautiful star formations had been weaved by his delicate hands. They had joked about the other archangels without fear, since Raphael was one himself. Gabriel's thrashings of Aziraphale had become fewer and far between, although he still noticed when his fingers twitched and how he bunched his fists.

Raphael had introduced Aziraphale to Lucifer. He was bold and brash and charming in an uncomfortable kind of way. He spoke back and yelled and didn't do what he was told. There was rumor going around that She would be exiling them. Aziraphale kept this in mind, and forced himself to stay away from Lucifer at all costs possible. He wasn't looking to lose his spot in Heaven. 

Aziraphale had been protected by Raphael. He felt that Raphael was his friend. He stopped Gabriel from hurting him, showed him true companionship and brought up a feeling of fondness that he hadn't felt before. It was strong, and passionate. Not like his love for the Almighty, it was different. Dare he say, it was /stronger./ When he had vented these feelings to his friend, he was met with something he hadn't heard of before - a kiss. Apparently, it was part of something Lucifer had come up with. Their kiss was chaste and gentle, Raphael's soft lips on his felt like everything Aziraphale had ever wanted but he knew he could never do it again. He begged Raphael to stay away from Lucifer, but he had already heard the rumors and didn't believe that The Almighty would do such a thing to her children whom she loved so dearly. Raphael promised Aziraphale that he had nothing to worry about.

Then, the Great Fall happened. He searched and searched, but couldn't find Raphael no matter how hard he looked. During his next meeting with Gabriel, the thrashings resumed as normal and this time, no one was there to heal him. When he was alone, he'd shed silent tears for his fallen friend.

He had managed to find that companionship again within Crowley. He saw an awful lot of Raphael within Crowley, and he'd often compare them when he was alone.

The first thing that struck Aziraphale about Raphael was his eyes. They were the colour of the purest, most expensive gold. When he was concentrating, his eyebrows knitted together in this very certain way that he longed to see once more. Whenever they saw each other, his eyes lit up like a new angels halo. When he first entered Eden, he looked at the sun and saw Raphael's eyes in it. During the first night, he wept in the depths of the shrubbery.   
Crowley's eyes were amber, not gold. His eyes had flecks of brown and red in them. His serpent pupils would widen and round whenever he saw Aziraphale. To other people, his eyes were cold and sharp. To Aziraphale, his eyes were soft like the setting sun, not as blinding as the sun in Eden, but ten times more beautiful than anything he could imagine. 

Raphael's hair was thick and bouncy. It curled in the most perfect way down his back. His auburn locks would shine in the sun and it felt like clouds. He had let Aziraphale raise his hand to the back of his head when they kissed, allowing him to feel it for the first and only time.   
Crowley's hair was different. It was thinner and less shiny, it wasn't as healthy either. When he had worn it long, it had split ends and tended to go frizzy whenever it got wet. Supernatural beings technically didn't need to keep up personal hygiene, but Crowley was forced to wash his hair every other day due to how greasy it got. Aziraphale had felt his hair many times and he'd usually pull his hand away to find a hair or two resting between his fingers or caught between the wrinkles on one of his knuckles. 

He missed Raphael's healing ability too. Not just for the fact it was handy in a rough situation, but it was so intimate, so secure. He felt Raphael's love wash over him every time he closed a wound or reversed a bruise. At one point, it was the only thing that kept him going.  
Crowley wasn't a healer, obviously. Before Armageddont, Gabriel would still beat Aziraphale if there was a good enough reason for it. Injuries from an archangel couldn't be miracled away by a mere principality and Aziraphale would be left from days to weeks with bruises, cuts, and on one extremely horrid occasion, a limp. He still remembers Crowley's reaction. Aziraphale had called him to the bookshop since he found walking to be rather painful. When Crowley walked in and saw his leg, propped up on a pillow, black and blue, he sobbed. He performed various hand gestures over the leg, crying harder with each attempt. When Aziraphale inquired as to what he was so upset about, Crowley promised that he wouldn't let Gabriel away with doing so much damage again. It was then when Aziraphale, once again, felt love wash over him. This was a different love though, more passionate and intense, filled with sorrow and longing. That was the night of their first kiss.

One thing that was awfully similar about them, though, was their personalities. They were both rebellious and romantic, they did things in the name of love. They both enjoyed causing trouble too, Crowley would mess with people in little ways, like making sure they had no milk after they'd pour their coffee or having their pen run out of ink during an exam, forcing them to use a different colour mid-sentence (it annoyed Crowley, surely it annoyed other people too?) while Raphael would specifically pick on the archangels. He'd trip Uriel up whenever possible and ruffle Gabriel's painstaking styled hair in a pretend 'lovingly' way. He'd have Lucifer and his gang go to The Almighty with ridiculous requests, such as chemical highs and nuclear weapons. They were also both extremely protective of Aziraphale, but he figured it came with the worry of what Gabriel would do to him during their meetings. 

It was a cold October night in the South Downs. Aziraphale and Crowley were in bed, Crowley wrapped around Aziraphale as if he was holding on for dear life, and Aziraphale's hands on the small of Crowley's back and in his hair respectively. For a minute, he could swear it was Raphael lying beside him.  
''Crowley,'' Aziraphale whispered. ''Can I ask you something?''  
''Ngk - wusrong...'' He said lazily. Aziraphale looked softly kissed the top of his head.  
''You didn't happen to know one of the archangels when you were in Heaven, by any chance?'' He felt Crowley stiffen at the question.  
''Wait... What do you mean? You think I was friends with Gabriel or something?'' He sounded slightly more awake now.  
''No, silly demon.'' Aziraphale smiled. ''He was one of the fallen. Close with Lucifer and his lot. His name was Raphael.'' He spoke the name in a much softer tone. Crowley untangled himself from Aziraphale and sat at the edge of the bed, turning on the lamp.  
''Did... Did you know him?'' Crowley croaked. He didn't face Aziraphale.  
''Yes. I knew him very well, actually. And I missed him an awful lot. I just figured that maybe, if you knew him from Heaven, you'd know where he is now. I'd very much like to know how he is these days.'' He heard Crowley take a deep breath.  
''Yeah, I know him.'' Crowley said quietly. ''He's doing great, actually. He was in love with an angel back in Heaven, and he managed to find him and fall back in love with him all over again.'' Crowley turned around to face Aziraphale and for the first time in millennia, he saw those golden eyes staring back at him. ''I hear that they moved into the area recently, too.'' Crowley smiled awkwardly.

Aziraphale just about pounced onto Crowley. He held him tight, vowing to himself that he wouldn't lose him ever again. ''Why didn't you tell me?'' He sobbed.  
''We're not allowed to reveal our old identities, believe it or not.'' Crowley laughed, crying too. ''T's physically impossible.''  
Aziraphale pulled away from the hug, moving his hands to either side of Crowley's face. He kissed him with the passion of someone who was just truly reunited with their first and only love.  
''I'm sorry for not listening to you about the Great Fall.'' Crowley rested his head on Aziraphale's shoulder. ''If it weren't for me, I would have been able to heal your leg, and we wouldn't have to had gone through all this secrecy for so long, and you wouldn't have had to go through all that pain. If I were still R... him, things would be so much more easier.'' Aziraphale brought his hand up to Crowley's head, stroking his brittle hair.  
''I don't love you any less for falling, Crowley. I didn't love you back then because you healed me, or because you were an archangel. I loved you because you were you. And I still love you the exact same now I understand that it's always been you who I've loved.'' Aziraphale ended the sentence with a soft kiss to Crowley's temple.  
'' And I've always loved you too.'' Crowley sighed, feeling like the last bit of the weight of the world was off his shoulders.  
''Come on,'' Aziraphale smiled, ''Let's go to sleep.''

They quietly resumed the position they had taken up before their conversation, knowing that this was the way things were always meant to be, and they were perfect.


End file.
